Trying my best to be an intentional, authentic and kind father and human.
(And also a Product Manager and tinkerer.)
Perhaps, I thought, a man’s life is less like a single tree and more like a garden in the wild, under constant threat of being reclaimed by nature. The bits we want to keep must be cared for, watered, maintained. Kind of like a golf course.
"Honestly u get a 10/10 for today"
— friend after hanging out with me and my kids after we made a "candy inspector" booth for a labour day parade.
Really surprised to hear such an in-depth segment on NPR this morning about Metal Gear Solid! Really good and it was hosted online here.
Sometimes when he does, he thinks the father seems a little begrudging, walking slightly behind the child, and he wonders how many of these dads were told by their wife to take the kid out to play. He understands: He, too, is stretching to be not just a provider, that classic masculine trope, but also a nurturer—someone softer, more open. The other day, when he was visiting his cousin’s two daughters, the 5-year-old got in trouble and ran into the living room and hid behind the couch. He picked her up and took her to the mirror, and they looked at their reflections together. “You are wonderful,” he told her. “And you don’t have to worry about anything.”
I have been reading this book called Radical Acceptance and I am finding it to be very impactful.
I would go as far to say I am finding it to be shockingly impactful for me.
The book is about the notion that it is okay to not be okay. That when things feel difficult or painful, actually the best thing to do is not to try and fix it but to simply sit in that feeling and absorb it.
It also teaches you to take a "pause" when things seem particularly difficult. For me, I have an impulse to say "everything is fine" when I am struggling. I want to start taking a pause before I answer so I can be more mindful with how I reply.
The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change
— Carl Rogers
There is more evidence for just how powerful role models can be. A different study that Chetty co-authored found that girls who move to areas with lots of female patent holders in a specific field are far more likely to grow up to earn patents in that same field. And another study found that Black boys who grow up on blocks with many Black fathers around, even if that doesn’t include their own father, end up with much better life outcomes.
So how do we move away from the cult of intensive parenting? Very carefully and intentionally. We have to start thinking of parenting not as a set of instructions but as several dials. Research suggests that certain dials, such as “display love,” “validate feelings,” and “set aside some regular quality time,” should absolutely be turned up to 10. Others, such as “solve your child’s (nonserious) problem for them,” should be pretty low. And many, such as “provide educational support” and “offer enrichment activities,” should be somewhere in the center. Your exact dial settings will depend on your values and your family situation, of course. All 10s and all ones are almost always a bad idea.
Managed to create an entire morning plan at Legoland so that we waited in 1 queue for the boats, and then really efficiently — without rushing! — did basically all the small kid rides at Legoland, skipping all queues.
My kids are living the dream today and I’m left wishing I had someone that could see and appreciate me working so hard to give my kids a great day.
Obviously it would be even nicer to collaborate with someone on all this, but I hope I can find someone that at least finds it (very) desirable in a partner since I increasingly feel this is something I am quite good at.
On the parenting pride of my big trip.
It lowkey sucks when you’re on vacation but the only parent within a group.
It’s difficult to persuade people without kids to stick to a kid schedule, there’s no other kids around, and it’s just generally more not less work…
